My Friend wants me to write, I want to write about things that please me, but all my mind does is show me sadness. I have experienced violence, I have experienced love, I have experienced shame. I have tried to dull the pain with drugs, only to intensify it, as it repeats itself.
Love Love Love
So, you want to write about love, who’s love? your love? my love? I’ll tell you what love was like for me.
I was introduced to the phrase “I love you” at age 12 when my father thought he was showing me God’s love as he beat me with a Bible, he shouted I love you.
My first crush was a girl in 6th grade, she smiled at me a lot, I got up the nerve to tell her that I liked her, and her smile turned into a scowl as she said “You’re too fat and ugly”.
Child Friendship Love- How I learned to enjoy another person’s company, how I had feelings of respect, adoration, day dreaming that I could be my best friends little brother. Wondering what it would be like to live in his family? What would it be like to have a dad, a dad that played catch with me, a dad that would show me how to use hand tools, a dad that could be mine.
Accompanying a high school friend to a far off hospital so that she could have an abortion, because if her father found out that she was pregnant he would kill her.
Love-Standing at her bedside afterward, holding her hand, looking down at her terrified face filled with tears. Feeling the joy she felt knowing that her dad would not beat her ass for her mistake, but knowing that if she had her way she would have kept the baby.
So many different ways to Love–
Having a friend who was so close to you he would stick up for you when others would try and tear you down. Proving to your best friend how much you loved him by standing at his side during a fight, and getting your own ass beat pretty bad.
Getting your very own, first BIG dog, she becomes your best friend, after all the others have left and gone to their glory. Angel was the biggest dog I ever saw back in my 20s, she was my love, we walked everywhere together. She slept next to me at night when I got home from work, she would have dog dreams and knock me off the bed, we would play tug of war and she could run, man, could she run. We’d lay on the living room floor and watch television together.
Loving someone so much that you marry them, spending 14 wonderful crazy up and down years with them. Only to lose the one you Love to a disease that neither one of you saw coming, Death O Death; why must you follow me? why must you taunt me? saying goodbye to her family, they were hurt too, to hurt to talk to me so they shut me out. Spinning aimlessly I was, back and forth from place to place, not sure if my purpose in life was over, I was done with Love, I lacked the happiness of life, I had not thought of my own death of self, but I had felt the death of my spirit, I was but a husk of a man.
A Deep Love-
Not looking for love, but, finding it, asking God what to do with it? wondering if it is meant to be mine? curious question, will it last until the end of my time? a built in family that I know deep in my heart that I do not deserve, but I gladly bow down to this love and to them I will serve.
God? why me? why do you give me such a wondrous gift? was it something I did? was it something I said? for you and I know that my head is not right, but my heart is steadfast and true. What the hell were you trying to do?
I will gladly accept this love you have given to me, for they care about me, as I do them, even if I am broken.